A few affairs

[tmz_99]

The First Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their
passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made
passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell
asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm.As the man threw on his clothes, he told
the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and
dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and
drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the
house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my
secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't
wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've
been playing golf!".



The Second Affair

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage
daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure
enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father
rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was
horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife
and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look
at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look
and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"



The Third Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead
bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined
the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing
discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!"I'm
sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be
cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be
saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the
dead man's scaling.He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife."I have something to show you
that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"


The Fourth Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door."Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly
rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a
statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for
their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen
and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he
said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for
three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."



The Fifth Affair

A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for
a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and
asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried
egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents," the bartender replied.
"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."


The Sixth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began to move
slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said.
"Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice,
"I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess,"
replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no.
I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best
friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know, my sweet one" whispered
Becky, "let the poison work."

[Alspos]

rofl

"The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

[decoy]

hehe, Schwartz is dead :o

[hoongirl]

hehe, Schwartz is dead :o

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

[madeofmilo]

I'm gonna try that golf one, but I'll come in, with my motorbike boots!

[MelbStazz]

LOL
rofl
the bartender one was a classic.
rofl